Its been 9 months since ive written.
Things are so different. This journey takes so many twists and turns.
I’m back where I belong, after a period of soul searching I finally landed where I’m supposed to be.
My life is starting to sprout shoots of fulfillment and it is transforming me day by day.
3 resentments in 5 minutes of each other, first, got to the shop machine down so can’t top up leap card meaning have to pay extra fare, second bus driver attempted to pull off and shrugged his shoulders at me, which lead me to run after the bus eventually getting on, last got a call from my mother explaining how my eldest told her teacher she would be bringing in a birthday cake only to realise her mother forgot to buy one, while I had already bought to have as a surprise at home.
Solution/my part : first, I left it last minute to top up, my fault.
Second, thankful the bus driver let me on regardless, everyone can be a prick once in a while, including me.
Third, not my mothers fault, not my daughters fault, I’m not a part of my daughters mothers life and it’s non of my business either, no big deal. Won’t let it ruin my daughters day
Finally I have an understanding of what this means, it’s taken me years to understand that turning my will and my life over to the god of my understanding is simply doing the right thing, living by spiritual principles and not affecting or forcing the outcomes.
It’s the purest form of faith I have experienced so far in my recovery, but and yes there is a valid but it isn’t easy, takes time, practice and pain.
It’s not about where you go, it’s about results, right?
It’s time to start giving back. After all we all what the same thing don’t we?
Using dream last night, previously had an intense home group big book meeting till 10:00pm then straight to bed.
This one I couldn’t get enough alcohol into my system I was literally pouring in straight down my neck, I really wanted drugs but after searching they couldn’t be got so alcohol it was.
I find these dreams can happen after good meetings, just a reminder of what my life was like, I don’t feel in any danger whatsoever but I do understand I have an illness of the mind that needs treatment.
The day finally came where we felt the pinch, I thank god it took so long to get here. Four kids and part time working wife with child care costs doesn’t leave a whole lot left. We made the changes we needed to make as a family and finally we are starting to get used to our necessary new way of life. So grateful to have love, work, health and family in my life. It’s only temporary and if things get worse we will adapt as we always do, a friend told me a long time ago that we need to be able to bend like a tree in a storm, rigidness with cause you to break when the times get tough.
Who are the winners they speak of? For me the real winners are those who have managed to claw their way back from the grips of addiction and actively maintain their daily reprieve whilst living “normal” everyday lives.
It isn’t easy, you are responsible, the rewards are endless and the results allow you to create your own life.
Thank god .
Just sitting here waiting on a call to say whether or not the golf course is open today, one of my many addictions. The crazy part is there is a storm outside, high winds and rain, but hey, never stopped me before and it won’t right now, my experience is I never loose the obsession and compulsion I experienced with alcohol and drugs it just moves onto something else, something less fatal.
Thanks for listening.